Top 20 Things to do to Piss Off The Cafeteria Ladies
  1. Sneak out with a thermos filled with the ice cream scoop water.
  2. Congratulate her on her performance in American Gladiators.
  3. After dinner, stick around and play a few games of Monopoly or Twister. When she comes after you (and she will!), yell "Right hand red, Maria!"
  4. Eat a banana without peeling it first. When she comes after you (and she will!), point at Joe Blake and say "From him, all right! I learned it from watching HIM!"
  5. Bring in one of your notebooks and steal grapefruits in it.
  6. Move all the tables to the corners of the room, hang a mirrored ball above the salad bar, and disco to the music playing on the speakers. When she comes after you (and she will!), show her how to do the Funky Chicken.
  7. Bring in scientific equipment and study the bacon. When she comesafter you (and she will!), say that you are studying new life forms.
  8. Everyone bring in chicken and Stove Top and give it to the lunch ladies.
  9. Sit on her lap and tell her what you want for Christmas. Then ask herto sit down and do it again.
  10. At lunch, ask for only one french fry. When you finish it, go backand ask for another one (on a new plate). Continue process until youcannot lift your tray.
  11. Yell "NORM!" at the top of your lungs whenever you see her.
  12. Dress up in polyester pants and vertical-striped shirts. She'll have an identity crisis.
  13. Pull on her beard as she walks by.
  14. Take one bowl of each type of cereal and put milk in all of them. After you finish the first bowl, throw the rest out. Complain that they serve soggy cereal.
  15. Smuggle in a garbage bag and steal the entire contents of the salad bar. When she comes after you (and she will!), claim that you are an advocate for vegetable rights and ask to see the taco meat.
  16. Carve "J.R. '54" in one of the bagels and put it back.
  17. Ask her if she is circumcised. If she says she is female, ask to see ID.
  18. Rearrange the letters in "WELCOME TO MARIAS CAFE" to say "WOO! MEALTIME SCARFACE."
  19. Kill a horse. Dress up like a delivery boy (or girl), bring it into the kitchen and say "Delivery for Maria!"
  20. Bring barstools and eat your dinner at the salad bar. When Maria comes after you (and she will!), yell "Another beer, Norm?"