15 Signs You're Not Graduating This Term
  1. You planned on being there, but they moved the trial to Denver.
  2. You're on a football scholarship at Oklahoma.
  3. You get a snide letter from Admissions recommending a summer course in "Remedial Tuition Payment."
  4. You don't feel you've yet done sufficient field research on your thesis topic: "The Munchies: What Causes Them?"
  5. You spent over $400 on new books this semester, but over $40,000 on beer and pizza.
  6. Final: "Calculate the load-bearing capacity of a bituminous concrete mix." You: Calculated the vomit-producing capacity of mixing tequila and beer the night before the exam.
  7. NBC and CBS feature live, round-the-clock coverage of your frat dorm.
  8. You won the Heisman, the Nike commercial shoot is tomorrow and you haven't been to class since late November.
  9. Six years of college and all you've learned are the lyrics to "Louie, Louie."
  10. Your cap and gown are made of paper and have "Campus Food Service" written on them.
  11. You're still an undergrad, but the faculty grants you tenure.
  12. Your blood alcohol level is consistently higher than your GPA.
  13. Only sheepskin you'll see this summer is in the barn.
  14. Your tassel comprises half of your work uniform.
  15. You got all "A's," but your name is Hester Prynne.