The Fresher's Guide to Student-Spotting
This guide is intended to aid new students to categorize people around them, so
helping them to come to terms with their surroundings and develop credibility a damn
sight faster than would otherwise be possible. It has been found in the past that
certain freshers have been duped in to parting with their money, their belongings,
their virginity by crafty second year, third year and postgraduate students
masquerading as someone who they clearly, at least to the experienced, are not.
PERSONALITY TYPES
The Stiff (Borus Giganticum)
This person will be characterized by the complete lack of purpose in life other than
to go to university, work their balls off, hopefully not dropping any marks at all in the
entire course, gaining a first, doing a postgrad, getting a job working with 27,000
Quid PA, marry, have 2.4 lovely children and retire to a small cottage in Morecambe.
He or she will wear brown cords and an arran jumper at the slightest provocation and
will respond to the question "are you going out tonite?" with the remark "No, I've got
some extra-curricular AC response research to do. Maybe next term." He or she can
also be spotted at exam results postings weeping quietly because they only got 99/100
in the Apollo Mentor graphics assessment. The male variety is much more common and
can be found in particular abundance on Physics and Maths courses.
The Arty - Farty (Hashum Jointicus)
This type is unfortunately an endangered species at Salford due to its science base
but the breed can be found in relative abundance at other Manchester institutes.
They are recognized by their insistence on carrying a folder containing blank paper
everywhere with them, even to nightclubs. They generally hang round Uni bars, sitting
on the floor in circles even where seats exist.
NOTE : THESE PEOPLE KNOW WHERE TO GET DRUGS. They often take part in
various political organizations within the Uni, championing varied causes such as
anti-pollution, anti whale-slaughter and anti-not-being-very-nice-to-little-furry-animals-generally.
The Dosser (Bastardica Lazyum)
A lot of debate has gone on among the student-studying community as to why these
people actually go to university. The conclusions have been agreed as the following:
Cheap beer, Casual sex, The chance to brag to their "less fortunate" mates back home,
in that order. These are the ones who, when you get talking to them in the first week,
tell you that "Courses generally are a load of crap, I go to f. all lectures, never been
to a tutorial, flunked me exams, not a jot of revision, too much drinking blah blah
blah........". They can easily be recognized by their enormous overdrafts and comatose
state in the few lectures they do attend. However these people ARE worth getting to
know since they can give you a complete rundown of the best bars, clubs, brothels etc
in town. Just don't lend them any money.
The CompSci (Softwarum Termini)
This lot are generally characterized by being very, VERY strange. Although it is
categorically denied by all major institutes, it is clear that all potential computer
science students have to undergo a rigorous psychological examination, and that only
those diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenics, kleptomaniacs, neurotics or psychopaths
are allowed on the course. They can be seen in the computing department of any
higher education institute library, hunched over terminals with a look on their face as
if they have just been told they've got a deck chair up their rectum. DO NOT under
any circumstances approach, or attempt to talk to these people. You don't know and
don't want to know where they've been.
The Lager Lout (Holsteni Shitfacedus)
Many freshers have problems telling the difference between Dossers and Lager Louts,
but whereas the Dosser just doesn't give a toss, the Lager Lout will go to almost any
lengths to achieve their aims. Loud, obnoxious, always telling you how many pints they
downed last night, these people can be a bit annoying but are always useful as
someone to laugh at, or to wind up. On no account believe the wildly exaggerated
stories of sexual exploits these people may insist on telling you. They're bullshit.
The Mommys Boy (Homus Homus)
Even the most fresh-faced Student-spotter will have no trouble identifying this
species. So pale as to be almost translucent, they refuse to admit to themselves that
they have now left home and are regarded as adults, and consequently spend their
entire time at university either shut in their rooms working on some dodgy thesis or
traveling home on the train (every weekend). The only reason for befriending one of
these is to obtain access to the monstrous quantities of food which they get from
home every week.
WARNING : THESE PEOPLE DO NOT KNOW HOW TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.
The Leech (Slimus Slimus)
There are several subspecies of the Leech as outlined below but they all have one
thing in common: a burning desire for friends. They will do almost ANYTHING to
obtain them. Born without a personality, they instead resort to bootlicking tactics as
a pathetic attempt to gain popularity. You know the sort - always asking you where you
are going tonite and can they come? They will follow you around like mongrels given
the tiniest amount of encouragement. These unfortunate people are destined for a
life of being used for homework copying, carrying peoples bags for them and other
such menial tasks, which they will carry out happily in the knowledge that they are
'gaining popularity all the time'. For more experienced spotters the following
subspecies may be looked for:
The Braindead Leech (Slimus Vacantum)
The OTT Leech (Slimus Enthusiastici)
The Strange Leech (Slimus Oddballus - often on CompSci courses)
Researchers have now come to the conclusion that the normal, well-adjusted and well
balanced student is becoming something of an endangered species due to the
increasing influx of weirdos, dropouts, oddballs and freaks into educational
institutions. The problem seems to be that, as more freaks are taken in, more normal
people are put off uni. for life by the life forms they see on open days. Therefore it
is a vicious circle with only one outcome: All institutes, and therefore ultimately the
country, are run entirely by pricks.