Cars for the Information Highway
In the wake of continuing public awareness about the so called
"Information Super Highway," or "Infobahn,"
here is a guide to the different protocols and applications which
you can use to cruise...
OSI
This sleek black car has obviously been long years in the design
process - almost everything has been thought of, down to the last
detail. Unfortunately, it is 500 metres long, weighs 300 tons,
and has no accelerator pedal. It takes a long time to get going,
but once it reaches its top speed (15 mph), it takes a lot to
stop it. A gentle hill will usually do the trick...
TCP/IP
This hillbilly pickup truck has the most crazy assortment of add
ons you can possibly imagine, but underneath there is a
deceptively simple, rust-free chassis. You can also hear the purr
of an obviously turbo-charged V8 engine underneath the clutter,
but it's getting harder to find. It'll do 0-60 in 4 seconds, but
it has no brakes. Brakes? Who needs brakes? Just jam a crowbar in
the axle and lock the wheels...
WWW
This is a huge freeway system, with roads crossing roads all over
the place. Exits flash past at bewildering speed, and before long
you can think you're lost beyond hope of ever being found.
However, if you know where you want to go, you're okay, since you
can guarantee that there will be at least a dozen ways to get
there. Unfortunately, they're all off that road underneath you.
So you just have to work out how to get there...
Netscape
This is a huge tour bus, the very latest air conditioned, luxury
model. It'll take you wherever you want to go, as long as there
is a 5-lane freeway right to the doorstep, otherwise get off and
walk (it's quicker). Oh, and the highway is jammed with hundreds
of other buses full of Japanese tourists busy taking photos and
writing articles about the anarchic freedom of the highways,
whilst sitting in a huge traffic jam waiting to get into
Graceland.
ftp
This is a sleek bare-bones sports car with an ultra aerodynamic
body. It will take you where you want to go in the blink of a
second and you can fill the boot with as much stuff as you want.
However, there is no windscreen, 184 gears, and you have to type
in a 12 digit number from memory to tell it where to go.
telnet
This is a reliable old family saloon car. It never breaks down,
can fit down any road, no matter how small and twisty, and
performs well no matter what the road conditions. However, it
goes at the same speed on a 6 lane autobahn as on a dirt track,
and it steers like a 12 ton truck.
X Windows
This is a flashy red convertible, with electric windows, doors,
sunroof etc. Inside, you can alter the position of the steering
wheel, the layout of all the controls and instruments, the sound
of the horn, and the color of any of the fittings. It is the
ultimate accessory for the power user, and gives you many happy
years of pleasure. It is only when you get out of the car that
you realize that you never left the drive.
Windows 95
This car is in such great demand that your order cannot be
delivered until next year. However, when you do get it, it looks
great, a big improvement over the Windows 3 model, and it boasts
a big "Highway Ready" sticker in the back window, which
means you finally get to leave the car park. You get inside, and
press the big red "Go InfoBahn" button on the
dashboard. You wait for the g force. Nothing happens for 10
minutes, then the square wheels fall off.