101 Things to Do with a Spammer

This page contains what is known as "satire". This page allows me to vent my anger and frustration in what I hope will be humorous presentation. Studio42 does NOT advocate the harming of another human being, despite the fact that spammers may not technically be evolved enough to be considered human beings. DO NOT follow this ideas, they are there for ENTERTAINMENT purposes only. Kids, don't try this at home, or anywhere and especially DO NOT DO ANY OF THESE WITHOUT ADULT SUPERVISION. Adults: don't do this at all and don't let your kids do them either.
  1. Force them to follow the advice in their spam and write a TRUTHFUL report on what it really gets for them.
  2. Run them over with a vehicle. Mack trucks and bulldozers are preferred vehicles of choice.
  3. Fill out those postage pre-paid magazine subscription cards using the address of the spammer.
  4. If they have a toll-free number, call from payphones and leave GRAPHIC and DETAILED messages.
  5. If they leave a HOME number, act as if you're a scorned lover when leaving a message. This works either way these days with the acceptance of same-sex marriages and relationships. Maybe you can ruin their little relationship with their special someone. Otherwise, see above.
  6. Call them collect, then try and peddle their spam back to them. Call as late as you want, and call often too!
  7. Call and act interested in their spam. Act retarded, ask lots of questions, and ask the same questions over and over again. Get them to go through their entire pitch, and then start your questions again. After they answer the questions, start over again. Keep doing this until you get bored or they get angry and frustrated and hang up.
  8. Assuming the email address is valid, sign it up for any mailing list you can think of.
  9. If you receive spam for an adult site and they leave a phone number, call and act under-age and ask them to explain where babies come from.
  10. Line them up along a brick wall and then shoot them with bazookas.
  11. Break their thumbs, then challenge them to any fighting video game on a home console. Are D-pads fun?
  12. If they have a toll-free number and you have music for YOUR hold, call up and place them on hold. Then leave.
  13. If they leave an MCI PageNet number, make sure you talk to an operator and leave a TEXT message. Make it a LONG message. This is the MOST expensive option and trust me, they PAY for it. Call frequently. Use a bogus phone number and be consistent when using it.
  14. Using the above tactic, keep calling back at regular intervals. Act more and more angry each time, leave harsher messages. Complain that they never call you back. DO NOT use "obscenities".
  15. Whenever you get a spam with a toll-free number, collect those numbers. Then, whenever you get a new spam, try and push that scam to those toll-free spammers. Remember, one call per spam, so if you get 10 spams, that's 10 calls to each toll free number. You're doing a valuable service to the spammer by keeping them informed of the latest and greatest in online fraud.
  16. Find out who they get their toll-free number from. Complain to the carrier.
  17. If this is a make money fast or money making pyramid scam, make sure that the postmaster general is informed, as well as the Federal Trade Commission. Also, since these folks are so legitimate, we know they want to report that additional income, so make sure the IRS knows as well.
  18. When calling a spammer and dealing with an answering machine, leave an incoherent message. Hey, let them figure it out. Try filling your mouth with cotton and marbles before speaking.
  19. Why just leave incoherent messages? Stuff some cotton balls in your mouth and have a conversation with the spammer.
  20. For those if you with cordless phones, or you have a speaker phone in the bathroom, call up the spammer while having a bout of explosive diarrhea. Speaker phones work best, just so you know, because it picks up more room ambience as well as those wonderful "bowl" sounds and other nifty audio outbursts.
  21. If you have three way calling, try and get two toll-free spammers on the phone and then you can hang up, letting them duke it out.
  22. Play those stupid childish phone pranks with toll-free spammers.
  23. If you're calling a spammer, it's considered good form to belch loudly into the phone during the call. Any other loud bodily functions are appropriate.
  24. Donate their internal organs to science. Collect immediately. Harvest their organs the way they harvested out email addresses: without permission or concern.
  25. Assuming the email address is valid, a 2MB file attachment might be a good idea, especially went sent many many times. I tend to dump the spam into a text file and copy it over and over until the file reaches around 2MB, then attach and send.
  26. Maintain a list of known spammers, especially those who have spammed you. Find an open mail server on a known spammer site. Use that mail server to send each spam you receive to each of the people who have spammed you. Make sure you use a bogus return address, preferably that of the latest spammer.
  27. Use an axe to kill them, then sell the remains to the Discovery Channel for chum so they can film those cool Shark Week documentaries!
  28. Gather together as many as you can. Lock them in an airtight room. Let nature take its course.
  29. Use them for medical research.
  30. Use them for testing cosmetics.
  31. Wouldn't it be nice the military had realistic targets for rifle range practice? Moving targets help improve firearm accuracy.
  32. See how many spammers you can stuff into a phone booth.
  33. See how many spammers you can stuff into a VW Bug.
  34. Shoot them, then use their remains as land fill.
  35. Use them to help test the effectiveness of new explosives.
  36. Use their skins to make discount leather products.
  37. Send them to Jehovah's Witness meetings and see who can outsell who.
  38. Use spammers to help clear mine-fields. One spammer could take out several mines, provided the first one blows them up really good and the flying parts have enough velocity to be sufficient to set off other mines if they should hit other mines.
  39. Use them to test the electric chair. After all, we wouldn't want a mis-hap come time for an actual execution, that would be cruel.
  40. Cover them with honey, then tie them spread-eagle to the ground near an ants' nest. Time lapse photograph the results and sell them to National Geographic for lots of money.
  41. Mail the spammer a hornets' nest. COD.
  42. Call them up and repeatedly ask to speak with a specific person. It doesn't matter if there is a person there by that name or not, but preferably not. Insist on speaking to that person. Call back several times. Have this go on for a while. Finally, call up and introduce yourself as the name you made up and ask if they have any messages for you.
  43. Herd them up then drive them off a cliff. Claim that they were insane and thought they were lemmings. if you said I told you to do this, I'll deny the whole thing.
  44. Does the spammer advertise an answering machine? Record a message on your computer as a LONG sample, inverse the waveform so it plays backwards. Now slow it down and allow the pitch to bend. Assuming this is a tape-based system, when it rewinds, they may hear your message. Either way, they are going to be confused.
  45. Have some good pro audio equipment? Pitch-shift your voice down, use a LOT of compression, a tad bit of distortion, and then record your message. Call up a spammer's voicemail or answering machine and do your best Satan impersonation. Extra points if you can do it live. Extra bonus points if you have a conversation with the spammer.
  46. Collect the brains of spammers. When you get a whole ounce, call the Guiness Book of World's Records and see if you can get listed.
  47. Volunteer to give them a pedicure. Don't tell them that you're planning to use a rototiller.
  48. Ask them if they want to lose 10 pounds of unslightly fat. If they say "yes", then cut off their head.
  49. Ask the spammer if they are interested in saving the planet. If they are interested, then kill them.
  50. Make sure those organic farms stay all natural. Use the spammers in place of where horses, cows, oxen and other beast of burden were traditionally used: to plow fields and haul heavy loads.
  51. Call up any spammer who lists a phone number and sing nursery rhymes.
  52. For the more advanced, sing alternate X-rated lyrics to said nursery rhymes.
  53. Call collect using one of the automated collect calling systems. When asked to state your name, leave a short obscene message. This way you can call the spammer and get your message across without having to directly deal with them. Should the spammer accept the call, just act retarded.
  54. Boil them in oil. Any kind of oil will do, vegetable, motor, whatever is handy.
  55. Hack them to pieces, then send the parts to other spammers as a warning.
  56. Have them try out a new sport: cordless bungee jumping. No safety nets, those are for wimps. Spammers are brave, they don't need safety devices!
  57. Take a bunch of them out to parachute, then have a ground-based partner use surface to air missiles to pick them off one by one.
  58. Gather pager numbers of spammers. Use those numbers when paging other spammers. They should go crazy trying to figure out what is going on.
  59. Use them as crash test dummies. Spammers can be amazingly lifelike at times.
  60. Subscribe to the usenet group: alt.tasteless. Save posts you find particularly offensive or amusing and keep them handy. Call up the spammer and read them the saved article.
  61. Douse them in kerosene and light them on fire. Use a stopwatch. Winner is the one that stays alive the longest.
  62. Tie a length of rope to each wrist of the spammer. Attach the other end to the bumper of a truck or automobile. Play "tug of war". Make a wish, vehicle that ends up with more parts wins.
  63. Kidnap the spammer. Hold them for ransom. Unfortunately, you'll have to kill the spammer as nobody is going to fork over a nickel to save a spammer.
  64. In regards to a kidnaped spammer: if someone asks for proof, hack off a hand and send it as proof. Further proof might be required, so keep sending body parts until others are convinced.
  65. Give them electro-shock therapy with the aid of such widely available items such as a fully charged automotive battery, automotive jumper cables and a pair of damp natural sponges.
  66. Build a stretching rack just like the ones in the middle ages for your college history class. Secure a spammer to the device and show your class the effectiveness of those ancient behavior modification systems. Extra credit if you can break off the spammer's hands!
  67. Practice the illusion of "sawing a spammer in half" trick. Uh oh. Looks like you better practice the "hiding the body parts from the police" trick. One less spammer.
  68. Play "nail a stake through the heart of a spammer". Just like vampires suck the life out of people, spammers suck the life out of the internet. Similar to vampires, this is one of the ways that spammers can be killed. It works on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and the media teaches us that TV doesn't lie to us, so it must be true. They were going to call the show "Buffy the Spammer Slayer" but didn't think it would have the proper mass-market appeal at the time.
  69. Build yourself an electric chair. Test it with a spammer to see if typical household power is sufficient to fry spammers.
  70. How many spammers does it take to grease an automobile? One, if you hit them just right. Requires a very dent-resistant vehicle for this one.
  71. The lost city of Atlantis is real, it is on the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. All spammers aspire to get to Atlantis. What do you get when you have 10,000 spammers on the bottom of the ocean? A good start!
  72. Tape their eyes open and make them watch Barney.
  73. Give them a job handling biohazardous waste. Oh wait, never mind, spammers don't have real jobs, that's why they spam. If you see a spammer pushing medical waste byproducts, I think you'll have spotted this spammer.
  74. What's the difference between a cadaver and a spammer? I think we need to harvest a few spammers to conduct research.
  75. Invite them over to a fraternity party. Serve lots of beans and beer. Force them to play marathon sessions of "pull my finger".
  76. Take pictures of them to make posters in support of why abortion should be legal.
  77. If they list a phone number, require that they can NOT use any special services like call forwarding, answering machines or voicemail, thus ensuring the phone rings around the clock.
  78. Since the frog dissection has been ruled inhumane in many school districts, why not substitute spammers in place of the frogs?
  79. Take them out on a long boat ride into the ocean. Club the in the head. Use a knife and make some deep cuts into the spammer's arms and legs, and maybe a few slices into the abdomen. Finally then throw them into the ocean to attract sharks so you can go shark fishing. Finally, those spammers who claim to be my friend can now be my "chum".
  80. Castrate them, even the female spammers. Well, at any rate they should be prevented from reproducing.
  81. Shoot them and use the remains for land fill. Oh wait, that would never pass an EPA inspection, but it would help alleviate some of the spammer problem.
  82. Help curb the spamming problem: death penalty for first time spam offenders!
  83. Make them listen to "The Spice Girls". Eww, too cruel!
  84. Nail them to a tree.
  85. Make them wax your hardwood floor using only Q-Tips and their own earwax.
  86. For all the naturalists out there, take the spammer out hunting. Send the spammer to flush out whatever you're supposedly hunting. Shoot the spammer. Oops, hunting accident. Mount the head on your wall as a trophy.
  87. Spammers are magical creatures. They can perform amazing escape acts, which they prove by escaping from service provider to service provider. So, tie up a spammer, lock them in a trunk, then throw the trunk into deep water. If they are a true spammer, they will magically appear, at which point you should shoot them. If they are a poor spammer, then they will drown. Either way, you're helping to curb the spammer population.
  88. Poison the spammer. When they die, make sure the arms are at their sides and their legs are straight, so it appears they are standing at attention. Wait for rigor mortis to set in. Take them surfing. Bonus points for coating them with fiberglass and waxing them because this makes them last longer. Put the "body" back in "body boarding".
  89. For you snow buffs: Poison the spammer. When they die, make sure the arms are at their sides and their legs are straight, so it appears they are standing at attention. Wait for rigor mortis to set in. Now take them snow boarding. Bonus points for coating them with fiberglass and waxing them because this makes them last longer.
  90. For those of you in the garment/clothing industry: Poison the spammer. When they die, make sure the arms are at their sides and their legs are straight, so it appears they are standing at attention. Wait for rigor mortis to set in. Sell them as mannequins. Extra points for applying heavy coats of lacquer. Extra extra points if you can pose them.
  91. Make them wear a shirt with a target on it. Make them run across a rifle range. I think people will figure this one out really quick.
  92. Spammers make good targets for lawn darts.
  93. Have them help you test your new catapult. Have them sit in the "launch pad" and take bets on distance. Winner is the person who guesses the closest without going over.
  94. Create a public access cable TV show. Find pictures of spammers. Profile each of them. Call your show "America's Least Wanted". Advocate beating these people into a pulp. You should be able to go national within a few seasons.
  95. Send spammers over Niagra Falls in a barrel rigged with explosives. If the waterfall doesn't get them, the detonation will!
  96. See how much weight a Hefty garbage bag can hold. Use hacked spammer parts to determine maximum load. Notice I did not say if the spammer needed to be breathing or not to test this.
  97. Play "How long can you hold your breath" with the spammer. Because spammers like to cheat, secured them firmly to a large boat anchor before starting this contest. Use the shipping channel in a river or open ocean for the contest as this won't work in shallow water. DO NOT USE swimming pools because the pool guy won't clean up that sort of thing.
  98. Spammers are into masochism, so hit them with a board. Don't stop when they scream out "no!" or "stop!", as that just means they are getting turned on.
  99. Take the spammer to a zoo. Push the spammer into the alligator exhibit. Let nature take its course.
  100. Glue the feet of a spammer to a moving escalator. Run a video camera. Send it to one of those stupid home video shows. You should get some money for this one!
  101. Spammers work hard at spamming. They really have their nose to the grindstone! Get yourself a grindstone and put a spammer's nose to it while rotating the grindstone.