Microsoft Helps Us Pray
Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to purchase, copyright, and upgrade
G.O.D. or GOD. The new product would be named, predictably enough, "Microsoft
GOD", and would be available to consumers sometime in late 1998. "Too many people
feel separated from God in today's world," said Joseph McSmither, director of
Microsoft's new Religions division. "Microsoft GOD will make our L.O.R.D. or LORD
more accessible, and will add an easy, intuitive user interface to the LORD, making the
LORD not only easier to find, but easier to communicate with."
The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a multitude of add-on
products to Microsoft GOD, including:
Microsoft Crusades
This conversion product will bring all worshipper accounts and
prayer files over from previous versions of GOD, or from competing products like
Buddha or Allah.
Microsoft GOD for the World Wide Web
This product ties Microsoft GOD with Microsoft Internet Information Server, making our LORD accessible from the World Wide Web using a standard Web browser interface. It introduces several new Web technologies, including Dynamic Salvation (DS) and Active Prayer Pages (APP). Donations for the poor can be donated via a Secure Alms Server (SAS).
Microsoft Prayers
Using a Windows-based WYSIWYG interface, this product will
allow worshippers to construct effective prayers in a minimum of time. A Secure
Prayer Channel technology allows guaranteed delivery of the prayer to Microsoft GOD
servers, and Prayer Wizards enable users to construct new types of prayers with a
minimum learning curve.
Microsoft Bible
Using a Windows-based editor, worshippers can cut and paste any
Bible verses to fit their needs so that they can use them to back them up if any other
people confront them for wrong doing. In the future, the Microsoft Bible will replace
all the hardcopied ones found inside all courts and hotel rooms.
Microsoft Savior
This product will allow worshippers to transfer their sins to its
internal Vice Database. After a preset interval, the product will erase itself from the
user's system and establish a clear line of secure communications to the user's
Microsoft GOD server.
Additionally, Microsoft is expected to announce a line of complimentary products for
the new Religions line, which will enhance the functionality of the Microsoft GOD
server product by providing a customized user interface. These interfaces will be
based on popular religious sects, allowing worshippers to interact with the new GOD
product in much the same way as the previous version. This line is expected to include
Microsoft Mormon, Microsoft Catholicism, Microsoft Judaism (incompatible with
Microsoft Savior), etc. However, it will not be compatible with the Windows666
Operating System since it makes them harder to save any file and impossible to
restore a bad one, and many times it crashes the heart disk resulting in smoke and
fire.
Competitor Netscape Communications denies rumors that it is planning to release a
competing product, Netscape Satanism, that would attempt to render Microsoft GOD
installations inoperable. Sun Microsystems also denies rumors that it is planning to
release a similar product, JavaChrist, and has filed suit to prevent Microsoft from
using its logo.