10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because
you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do
not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my
daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their
trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this
as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair
and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the
door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not
object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during
the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten
your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier
method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the
barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk
about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only
information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my
daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject
is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls.
This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have
gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is
finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than
an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you
should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take
longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why
don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where
there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are
no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places
where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient
temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff
T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped
up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided;
movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes
are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted
has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god
of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one
chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a
shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car
in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent
Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as
I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you
should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,
announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early,
then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged
face at the window is mine.