Lawn Psychology
Each summer reams of paper are used up by experts who tell us
how to cultivate, fertilize and otherwise successfully care for
our lawns and gardens. But there's so much more to yard work than
just caring for our plants' physical needs; we must care for
their emotional needs as well. It is for this reason that I
present to you some of my thoughts on lawn psychology.
Myth #1: Mulching makes your lawn gay.
This widely-held belief perhaps has its roots in a
misinterpretation of early Freudian lawn psychotherapy. Freud,
who in fact lived in an apartment and didn't even have a lawn,
speculated that mulching might cause fairy ring on an
otherwise-healthy lawn, but this does not mean mulching will make
your lawn gay.
Jung, Freud's student (and, later, rival), speculated that
overuse of children's sprinkler toys (i.e. -- Soak 'n Spray) in a
lawn's early, formative seeding years might affect the lawn's
sexual preference. We now know that this, too, is false and that
lawn gender preference is probably genetic -- perennial ryegrass,
for example, is widely-believed by lawn geneticists to be the
so-called "queer lawn."
Myth #2: Lawn clippings should be collected in clear bags.
In fact, lawn clippings should never be collected in
clear bags. This is demoralizing to your lawn, as it sees all of
its hard work carted away and -- at best -- composted. The
resulting demoralization and loss of self-esteem could lead to
deep-rooted neurosis which, untreated, could result in dandelions
or -- in some extreme cases -- even clover.
Now let's look at some lawn psychology "do's":
Do: Talk To Your Lawn.
Talk to your lawn. Get to know its quirks, its foibles,
its hopes and dreams. Is it getting enough water? Does it enjoy
being walked on? Does it dream of someday being a golf course or
a football field? By keeping your "ear to the ground"
both figuratively and literally, you can head off many lawn
problems.
At the same time, don't cave in to your lawn's every desire.
Many lawns will try to "push the limits" by requesting
frequent waterings, weedings, lawn ornaments, etc. Be kind but
firm: water at most once a week and give your lawn no more than
three plastic flamingoes. And remember: garden gnomes are for
gardens. Your lawn can't have one.
Failure to enforce some discipline with your lawn could start
a dangerous trend, and result in you ending up as the
neighborhood eccentric whose lawn is covered with little
fountains, plastic light-houses, wagon wheels, and various small
ornaments made out of beer cans.
Do: Weed.
Even the most well-balanced lawn needs weeding. Remove
dandelions, clover, and quak grass. Also weed your lawn's mind,
by monitoring its use of the internet. So-called "lawn
protection" software packages claim to protect your lawn
from offensive websites, but it's best to keep an eye on your
lawn while it "surfs the net."
Remember, even if your bushes are depressed, your trees are
all bi-polar, and your flower garden is completely insane, a
well-balanced lawn can make your yard liveable. By following a
few simple principles, and taking some notes from the experts,
you can ensure that your lawn is emotionally and psychologically
healthy, even if you yourself are totally nuts.