Who Wants To Get Loaded?

The best way to escape the sweaty grip of Who Wants to be a Millionaire? is to oil yourself with gallons of sweet, intoxicating beer and liquor. After the first few rounds, you'll be so loaded that Regis might start looking kinda cute. This is our final answer, bee-yotch!


The Rules:
Print out this page and chill a generous reserve of your favorite vintage of beer. Also, keep a bottle of vodka, tequila, or gin nearby (this is just a good idea anytime). Flip on the set, and welcome Regis into your living room. Every time any of the events listed below occur, take a drink. Keep drinking until the show ends or your exhausted liver begs for a smoke.


Drink Once When:
  1. All contestants are white men.
  2. Someone refers to the chair opposite Regis as "The Hot Seat."
  3. A contestant in "the hot seat" has either a poorly grown moustache or a mullet. (If a female has a moustache, drink twice!)
  4. A contestant takes a sip of water to stall for more time.
  5. Every time Regis stares at a contestant and with a look that says, "How retarded is this asshole?"
  6. Every time Regis says the words: "Confident?"
  7. A contestant thanks the audience after they're polled.
  8. The 50/50 option is used, but it's absolutely no help.
  9. A contestant phones a lifeline. Drink twice if it's a friend or co-worker who thinks he's funny. Drink three times if it's a family member who sounds slightly weak-minded.


Drink Twice When:
  1. When Regis mispronounces anything in the questions or answers.
  2. Every time they cut to the contestant's hideously ugly wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend/life partner. Drink again if he or she is also really, really obese.
  3. Someone uses a lifeline on one of the first three questions.
  4. A contestant misses one of the first three questions.
  5. A contestant tries to be funny and fails miserably, to the point where even Regis starts ragging on him.
  6. Some brave soul decides to take the money and run (drink an additional two times if they stop before $32,000; drink an additional four times if they stop before $500).


Do a Shot When:
  1. A dork brings his parents, presumably because no woman would be seen in public with him.
  2. Some genius uses more than one lifeline on one question.
  3. The phone-a-friend makes the contestant repeat the entire question and all the answers.
  4. A losing contestant makes excuses; Example: "Oh, I was an English major, I should have know that!" (Drink the entire case of beer if the loser actually starts to physically beat himself up, like Ed Norton in Fight Club.)
  5. A contestant cries.