211 Ways to Kill Barney
  1. Make him watch his own show.
  2. Make him gargle broken glass.
  3. Get children-sized mannequins and fill them with razor blades. (kinda like the razored apple Halloween trick!)
  4. Get him to read "The Canonical List of Blonde Jokes" to a room full of feminists.
  5. Send him to Sea World to see Shamu--enough said
  6. Drop him from a bridge onto the in-bound lane of the Boston Expressway.
  7. Slap some antlers on his head and send him into the woods during November.
  8. Move every third molecule 3 feet to the left until he closely resembles Picasso's "Guernica".
  9. Nail his feet to his shoulders and use him as the Jamaican bobsled in the 1996 Winter Olympics.
  10. Hollow him out and fill him with Bac-o-bits, use as Swiss Colony store display model.
  11. Cryogenically freeze him, then cut out shamrock shaped pieces of his body, dye green, and use as lapel pins for St. Patrick's Day.
  12. Shoot him.
  13. "Barney, I would like you to meet Dr. Kevorkian...."
  14. Let him be a guest on Geraldo...let the one armed, Vietnamese, lesbian, bigamist rip his arms off.
  15. Donate his body to science...early.
  16. Well, just call my cousins Guido and Vinnie and tell them that you kinda placed $200 in a bag under the rock in the park....mention the fact that you would _love_ to have Barney's knee-caps as conversation pieces.
  17. Ask the owl in the tree, "How many layers of skin does it take to get to the middle of a Barney?" Peel off layers of skin one at a time.
  18. Get him to show kids how to make and set off pipe bombs.
  19. Have him magically turn the classroom into a vacuum ... watch his body explode.
  20. Strip off his flesh, bury the bones in your back yard, and then dig them up, a piece at a time, selling them to your nearest natural history museum. A complete dinosaur skeleton would be worth a fortune! Death to Barney for fun AND profit!
  21. Put him in Straight-Jacket (really tough & leathery).
  22. Put him in one of those inflated bounce amusement park things for a year or so...
  23. Prepare him as food in any number of ways (deep fried and breaded is my personal favorite) then grind up his bones for fertilizer. Sell food to an enemy.
  24. Watch enemy become Barney. Then repeat the process as many times as you like...
  25. Sew his lips to his rectum.
  26. Take him into space and put him into a decaying orbit.
  27. Cut him up with a dull chain-saw.
  28. Toss him into a blast furnace.
  29. Make him a referee in an NHL game.
  30. Tell the kids of the world that Barney wants you to eat your vegetables.
  31. Write a "101 Uses for a Dead Purple Dinosaur" book.
  32. Make him listen to Jesse Jackson.
  33. Put him in a guillotine; put the rope holding up the blade in his mouth and then beat his ass with a jagged piece of metal until he screams.
  34. Put him on the Starship Enterprise. Make him go up to Worf and ask him if it's true that all Klingons are really wimps.
  35. Dip him in tar (anything sticky will do), cover him with hundred-dollar bills and throw him into a pit full of lawyers...
  36. Cut open his gut until the entrails lie splayed out on the floor. Don't give him a needle and thread.
  37. Tie him down in the middle of the Sahara Desert and let the vultures have him.
  38. I am not sure that is a good idea because we don't need to be that cruel to the vultures.
  39. Duct tape him to a street light in South Central L.A. If we are lucky, he will be shot in a drive by!
  40. There is the old "Cement Overshoes", but that could be considered water pollution.
  41. Make him write, "I will not be a demon sent from the lowest depths of hell" 100 times with a piece of chalk only 1/4 inch long.
  42. Lob a can of Nitro-nine under his purple butt.
  43. Bury all but his head in an anthill. Cover with honey. See how effective that torture method *really* is.
  44. Shark bait. (Need to cut him up a little first...)
  45. Let him take the place of a car crash dummy.
  46. Have him clean up toxic waste/nuclear radiation sites, without environmental gear.
  47. Let him have a loooong visit in the Marinaras Trench.
  48. Have him stand under the space shuttle during the next launch.
  49. Send him to inspect an underground nuclear test site, minutes before the next test.
  50. Send him to Somalia as famine relief.
  51. Target practice.
  52. Send him on a candlelight tour of the Wilson Dynamite factory.
  53. Pack his parachute all wrong and push him out of an airplane. Then throw the chute after him.
  54. Use him for testing Ginsu knives with Mrs. Bobbitt helping out.
  55. Get him to neuter a Pit-Bull Terrier.
  56. Cruise missile target.
  57. Plutonium enema.
  58. "Charlie Manson? This is your new cell-mate."
  59. Send him to Miami in a rented car.
  60. Lock him in a room with 10 rabid raccoons.
  61. Send him on a walking tour of the La Brea Tar Pits.
  62. Make him become a politician in Mexico.
  63. Take him bungee jumping. Forget to secure bungee cord.
  64. Poke him in the belly. With an ice pick. See if he laughs like the Pillsbury Doughboy.
  65. Cast him in place of Mr. Bill on "The Mr. Bill Show."
  66. Cut off his tail, and watch him fall on his face for lack of balance.
  67. Send him to Loch Ness. Maybe Nessie will try to mate with him.
  68. Cut off his arms and say "Where's that 'great big hug' *now*!?!"
  69. Shave his fur. ALL of it.
  70. The Juice Tiger. It separates the Barney pulp from the Barney juices.
  71. Infiltrate the PBS stations and switch the "Barney & Friends" tapes with "Beavis 'n' Butthead" and watch the kids burn him to death.
  72. Use him to insulate the steam pipes at your local nuclear generating station.
  73. Move the set of the show to an actual inner-city classroom.
  74. Let him visit the local jail, shove him in a cell and let the sex-starved convicts after him.
  75. Use him as evidence to prove that the acceleration of gravity is 9.8 m/sec on Earth. Oh! and make sure that it is off of the Sears tower too.
  76. Let him take a New York Subway at night.
  77. Use his head to plug up leaky dikes in Holland. (that is the water barriers, not the other kind).
  78. Use him as a bungee cord.
  79. Make him hug Madonna. (When she's wearing her pointy bra)
  80. Let him help put out forest fires.
  81. Teflon bullets to the skull, chest, and genitalia of the beast.
  82. Throw him into a combine.
  83. Bazooka blast to the cranium.
  84. Nuclear Bombs. Nuff said.
  85. Tie him up like a pinata and have small Mexican children beat it to death.
  86. Drown him in gasoline and then set it ablaze.
  87. Throw him in a vat of methylene chloride.
  88. Use him for an 18 wheeler's traction.
  89. Have him inspect the space shuttle's engines at T+60.
  90. Put him in a cage that houses 1000 Tokay Geckoes (irony is that they're mostly purple too).
  91. Have him change targets at a rifle range... without ceasing fire.
  92. Put him to work at the Mt. St. Helens Close Study Station AFTER the next evacuation.
  93. Use him as a test subject at the Army's Biological - Chemical - Nuclear Warfare unit.
  94. Place him underneath equal quantities of iron oxide and powdered aluminum. (Use lots of both... < 100 pounds... mix well, but carefully) Toss in a lit sparkler.
  95. Freeze him with liquid nitrogen, and repeat step 83.
  96. See if liquid helium has similar effects.
  97. Cover him in a mixture of 110 Octane AvGas and Ivory Soap Flakes. (mix until gel-like) You'll need another sparkler.
  98. Force-feed him potassium chlorate solution.
  99. Have him transported to Bosnia, where everyone over there can unite under a single cause for once in a thousand years and kill him!
  100. Microwave ovens work wonders.
  101. Tie him down in a chair and force him to listen to country music, until even HE goes insane with all the sap!
  102. Have him climb trees near overhead power lines.
  103. Put him on trial for paedophilia. He'll kill himself.
  104. Have him ask Fred Phelps about the good side of homosexuality. NOTE: Fred Phelps is the biggest Gay basher on the Earth.
  105. Let HIM tell the baseball leagues they're not getting their raise.
  106. Tell him Jimmy Hoffa was a bad man and he should tell it to the Teamsters.
  107. Give him two bottles. #1 is filled with nitroglycerine and napalm. #2 is full of pepper.
  108. Tell the Menedez Boys he is in cahoots with their parents.
  109. Put him on an LA freeway at 4:59.
  110. Put him in Crypt gear in a Blood neighborhood. (reversible)
  111. Drain-O milkshakes.
  112. Have him apply at Oscar Meyer as "Hot Dog Filler".
  113. Make him wear a pentagram and send him to a Baptist church.
  114. Virtual Realty BarneyDOOM.
  115. "Gee Mr. Tarzan, I thought apes were stupid."
  116. Send him to a Buddhist Cafe and order the Filet-mignon.
  117. Send him to France an have him declare he's American.
  118. Let him drink the water in Juadalahara.
  119. Get him married to O J Simpson.
  120. Make him tell Rush Limbaugh he's a sissy.
  121. Tell him nitroglycerine can be made in a paint mixer.
  122. 100 cans of JOLT and a titanium steel vault.
  123. Tell the NRA he supports gun control.
  124. Send him to a country western bar and let him play heavy metal. (reversible)
  125. A Black Hole.
  126. "Gee Mr. Barkley, I can play basketball better than you..."
  127. Make him run UNIX on a Tandy Color Computer 3. (128k total)
  128. Give him the box from Hellraiser and tell him it's a Rubix Cube.
  129. "Can I have a drink of that, Mr. Socrates?"
  130. Enroll him on a 15 step program while on a 10 step pier.
  131. Tell him piranhas like to be petted.
  132. Fill the sandbox with quicksand.
  133. Shove a Q-tip down his ear and through his head.
  134. Shove him into a meat-grinder. (Don't actually cook the meat and serve it, though!)
  135. Lock him up in a tiny school locker, then shoot bullets around him, thus scaring the living hell out of him, then either let him die of shock and starvation or simply shoot him through the door (but in the gut! That way he BLEEDS to death, slowly, and painfully!).
  136. Infect Baby Bop with some debilitating disease, then, since Barney obviously has sex with her regularly, sit back and watch the fun.
  137. Inject him with all the chemicals that go into Hostess Twinkies.
  138. Pour equal, and large, amounts of ammonia and then bleach down the purple one's throat (a funnel may come in handy) then stand back and watch the corrosive chlorine fumes quickly melt his organs from the inside out.
  139. Tie him under a huge magnifying glass on a real sunny day; you've made a new treat! "JURASSIC FRITTERS"!
  140. Sign him up as the new drummer for "Spinal Tap".
  141. Give him a stack of "Save the Whales" GreenPeace fliers and send him to Rush Limbaugh's house.
  142. Peg 60-pound dumbbells at him until he dies.
  143. Lock him in a tiny elementary school locker, plug up the bottom slats, then slowly drop bugs in through the top slats (preferably creatures like spiders and centipedes).
  144. If you get tired of this get a gun and shoot Barney through the locker door.
  145. Make him drink fabric softener until he softens to death.
  146. Put him in an old car that's being put in the crusher.
  147. Introduce him to a pit bull.
  148. Stuff him down the garbage disposal.
  149. Mummify him.
  150. Give him drowning lessons.
  151. Nitroglycerin suppository.
  152. Paper cuts from hate mail.
  153. Wine press.
  154. Dissolved in organic solvent of choice (e.g. 1,1,1-trichloroethane, acetone, carbon tetrachloride).
  155. Clubbed by a baby seal hunter.
  156. Exploding gas barbecue.
  157. Rusty meat hook.
  158. Pulp digester/Saw mill.
  159. Lethal ingestion of bean sprouts and tofu.
  160. Skydiving accident (His concrete parachute fails to open).
  161. Barney meets the Terminator. "Hasta la vista...BARNEY!".
  162. Exploding school bus.
  163. Field trip to your local zoo. Barney loves to spread love and happiness to all of the carnivores.
  164. Children's Tylenol laced with cyanide.
  165. Trampling by thousands of tiny spongie feet.
  166. Asphyxiation on a twinkie.
  167. Bungee jumping with chord tied around neck (with static line?).
  168. 1000 RPM merry-go-round.
  169. Dragged behind a school bus on a gravel road.
  170. Tail caught in elevator doors.
  171. Legalization of purple slavery.
  172. Nasal spray or eye drops replaced with concentrated acid (e.g. nitric, chromic, hydrofluoric, sulphuric, or hydrochloric).
  173. Add crushed glass to his granola or high fibre cereal.
  174. Thrown in a vat of bleach. (White Barney could become a symbol for white supremacy).
  175. Sucked into a turbo-prop engine (a jet would be more fun. 'after burners?').
  176. Submerged into a CANDU reactor.
  177. Swarmed by killer bees.
  178. Purple parasites.
  179. Kidnapped by members of the Columbian drug cartel (or is he the ring leader in disguise).
  180. Chopped up into pet food (Purina Barney chow).
  181. Shintu massage as administered by a sumo wrestler.
  182. Assimilation by the Borg. (but they probably wouldn't want him).
  183. Accupunture with a nail gun.
  184. Hit and run at a school crossing.
  185. Brain scrambled (rescrambled?) by aliens.
  186. Body cavity search using a fish scaling knife.
  187. Harpooned by a whaling ship
  188. OOPS! Barney shouldn't have soldered that propane tank while full.
  189. Run over by a Zamboni
  190. "Accidentally" shoved in front of a subway train.
  191. Crushed between plates in a fault line.
  192. Inquiring minds want to know...What is the tensile strength of Barney?
  193. Used as a guinea pig in a pain threshold study.
  194. NATO air strike.
  195. Egyptian mummification ritual.
  196. Visit to the taxidermist.
  197. Blasted with a Neuron-T-disrupter.
  198. Forced to watch "The Wall" video without his happy pills.
  199. Give him a lead role in a snuff film.
  200. Tar and feathered by crazed parents.
  201. Bludgeoned to purple paste.
  202. Compressed to a singularity.
  203. Bent, folded and mutilated by the post office. (would be worse if you didn't write "fragile" on the label).
  204. Barney goes for a spin on a cyclotron. Too bad about the sudden stop.
  205. Heat pasteurization.
  206. Barney stars in an Itchy and Scratchy movie.
  207. Put Barney in an old Star Trek episode, in a RED SHIRT.
  208. Put Barney in a Star Trek Next Generation episode, in a gold shirt.
  209. Confine him with Marvin the depressed Android (Douglas Adams).
  210. Use Barney as a test subject for exotic new nerve gases.
  211. Make him deliver the new Canadian budget to the angry college students (including me).