Department of Justice Draft Pet Registration Guidelines

Within the past two years, 141 federal employees, including three ATF personnel, ten IRS employees, seven FBI operatives, and 95 postal workers, have been attacked and injured by terrorist organizations and individuals with views critical of the government, via an intermediary mechanism that has made it difficult, and in some cases impossible, to levy federal charges against them for their actions.

The nature of the problem is the widespread distribution and unauthorized use of self-controlled biological warfare munitions of dubious manufacture and under the control of unreliable and often hostile individuals. The forms most relevant to the safety of law enforcement officials are as follows: a) the "doggie", a vicious predatory mobile equipped with powerful cutting fangs and a nasty attitude, often deliberately trained and kept for the injury and death of human beings. "Doggies" are often so aggressive in nature that they will attempt to follow armored vehicles, presumably in an effort to dislodge utility cables, obstruct the operator's view, or block the vehicle's motion by catching in the wheels. b) the "kittie-cat", a uniquely effective espionage and entry device, used for penetrating residential buildings and causing the deaths of domesticated avians. A particular menace of this munition lies in the frequency of innocuous "cute" "kittie-cats", which lull agents into a false sense of security, which can lead to severe injury should jungle cats or other more militarily useful felines be encountered.

Incredibly, these mobile aggressors represent genetically altered forms of naturally occurring species. They have been specifically designed to appear harmless and appeal to innocent bystanders' sense of "cuddlyness", with often lethal results. They can carry rabies, a deadly virus, and transmit it to human beings via unprovoked attack. They are allowed to roam nearly at will on the public streets, leaving potentially biohazardous waste in unmarked and unauthorized locations. Because strict guidelines on genetic engineering have been proposed only recently, these forms have previously been treated as exempt from all such ethical considerations. We feel that the protection of federal employees and innocent bystanders demands an alteration of this policy to ensure greater security for all Americans.

We propose these draft guidelines for Pet Registration and Control (PRC) as the first step in taking back our public streets from these wandering weapons of war.

In order to prevent uncontrolled production of these beasts, the possession of any doggie or kittie-cat shall be made illegal, under penalty of ten years imprisonment or $100,000 fine, unless the owner shall have obtained the animal by legitimate mechanisms and maintained an appropriate license for possession. Licensing shall be under the jurisdiction of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms. A license shall not be granted to any individual with a history of psychological problems or conviction of any felony, drug crime, sex-related crime, or weapons-related offense.

A license for personal possession shall be granted, provided that the owner obtains the animal pre-treated according to the following regimen:
  1. All doggies and kitties must be vaccinated for rabies, toxoplasmosis, and other viruses as designated by the ATF regional coordinator under consultation with the Centers for Disease Control.
  2. All doggies and kitties shall be permanently sterilized before release for personal license.
  3. All doggies and kitties must carry an implanted communications beacon.
  4. This beacon shall include GPS positioning data, satellite uplink, microphone, and neural interface.
  5. All doggies and kitties must be trained for unconditional and immediate obedience. Doggies and kitties must be trained to the level of reliably avoiding waste elimination in public places, entry into public roadways, and unauthorized attack on individuals. Doggies and kitties must be trained to recognize the odors of marijuana, cocaine, opium, ammonium nitrate, PETN, RDX, and TNT, and to issue a distinctive bark for purposes of alerting their implanted transmitter when any of these substances is detected.
  6. All doggies and kitties must be trained to implement a set of basic commands, whose vocal triggers shall differ for each animal. The appropriate set of commands for each animal shall be maintained in FBI files and released only upon issuance of an appropriate warrant to police
  7. personnel. Required training shall include one-word commands for the animal to attack the nearest human being, retrieve a contraband object and return it to the requesting officer, and to self-destruct in five seconds or less.
  8. Basic commands shall be available for issue via satellite downlink directly to the animal, as coordinated by satellite camera overview.
  9. A license for breeding shall be issued only pursuant to an application with the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms, subject to administrative procedures focusing on building security, reliability of personnel, appropriate monitoring, drug testing, and voice stress analysis. The ATF shall be final arbitrator on all applications.
  10. Export of French Poodles shall be permitted with only a personal possession license to the following countries, pending approval by the destination government: Canada, China, Singapore, Australia. Export of any genetic material from doggies and kitties, including hair follicles, is expressly prohibited to Iraq, Syria, Libya, Algeria, Iran, and Pakistan under the Chemical and Biological Weapons Treaty. Members of domestic terrorist organizations may be barred from export of any such material under order of the Bureau of Alcohol,Tobacco, and Firearms.
  11. Any involvement of a doggie or kittie in a violent or illegal incident shall result in the immediate prosecution of the licensee for violation of license conditions. These guidelines will be available for public comment at the Department of Justice reading room for 30 days, at which point they will become mandatory administrative procedure.