The Next Olympics in New York City...
In an attempt to influence the members of the International Olympic
Committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2020,
the organizers of New York City's bid have already drawn up an
itinerary and schedule of events.
A copy has been obtained and is reproduced below.
OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a gasoline bomb thrown by a
native of the city (preferably from the northern Manhattan area),
wearing the traditional costume of leather jacket, Yankee baseball
cap and tattoo. It will burn for the duration of the games in a
large armored truck sitting on the roof of the stadium.
THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic games, New Yorkers have not been particularly
successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events
have been altered slightly to the advantage of athletes from NYC.
These include:
100 METERS SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a VCR and a car stereo (one in each
arm) and on the sound of the starting gun, a police dog will be
released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
400 METERS HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (ie. taxicabs, trash cans,
backyard fences, shopping carts, ... etc.)
HIGH JUMP
Barbed wires like those used in state jails are added, electrifying
is optional.
HAMMER THROW
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to
use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the
most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time
allowed.
FENCING
Crow bars, broken beer bottles and batons are used instead of swords.
During the final round, the winners will chase after the losers who
are dropping all the VCR's, car stereos etc. behind them.
SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The
first target will be a moving armored truck. In the second round,
competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or convenient
store cashier. The final round requires competitors sitting inside a
car and driving by a residential area to shoot at their targets.
WEIGHTLIFTING
Competitors will try to life the heaviest trash can or shopping cart
stuffed with weighs and throw toward a shop window. The winner
will be determined by how much merchandise one can grab within a minute.
BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and
will take place on a Super Bowl night. The husband will be given a
bottle of wine while the wife will be told not to bring him any
corkscrew when the New York Jets has just lost a touchdown. The bout
will then commence.
WRESTLING
DWI and bomber suspects are to be let loose for 30 seconds before
law enforcement officers storm in. Batons and handcuffs are not
allowed in this event.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to go to a college campus and steal an
expensive mountain bike owned by a hillbilly on his first trip away
from home. All against the clock.
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above but the bike will be owned by a defensive line backer of the
New York Giants, who will witness the theft.
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking-in, flashing, purse snapping and
drug delivering.
THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided since it is not likely held
in the Central Park. The competitors will be issued with sharp
sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round
the course.
SWIMMING
Competitors will choose to be either thrown off from the Brooklyn
bridge or thrown into the Whitewater. The first three survivors
back will decide the medals and the medal will be presented by the
President to the one who has survived the Whitewater.
MENS 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be canceled as the police cannot
guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Manhattan.
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members from
the drug dealers, abortion advocates and gay & lesbian groups,
synchronized rock throwing and music by the Army Sex Scandal Band.
The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old
washing machine onto it from the top floor of the apartment building
next to the stadium.
The stadium will be then boarded up before the local athletes break
into it and remove all the copper piping and wiring, and the equipment such as the PA system, scoreboard, big screen ... etc.