Your Southern Horoscope
It has become pretty obvious to us Southerners that our present astrological signs
have served their purpose and that we should get rid of them. When I'm out driving
around I'll see bulls, and once in a great while I suppose I'll even see a ram. Up the
street from me there's some twins, but I don't see them much. The rest of these
things are just too obscure. You only see crabs on vacation. There are no lions or
scorpions, not many archers and no water bearers. SO, what we need here is some
relevance. We need things we can recognize up there in the night sky.
OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20)
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okrans have
tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of
his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.
CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19)
Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable
talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of
himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with
Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can
make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember
that when marriage time rolls around.
BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20)
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and
you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you
are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right
mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.
MOON PIE (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. You probably need to get
out more. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea.
It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.
POSSUM (Apr 21 - May 21)
When confronted with life's difficulties, you tend to have a "don't-bother" attitude.
Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy
is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however,
it won't work, and you may find your problems actually running you over.
CRAWFISH (May 22 - Jun 21)
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the
water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course,
the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically,
but you have very good heads.
COLLARDS (Jun 22- Jul 23)
Collards have a genius for communication. They have a zest for life and share their
essence with the essences of those around them. Collards make good social workers,
psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are
Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of
heartache.
CATFISH (Jul 24 - Aug 23)
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with one exception: Whiskers may
cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You
prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should
stay away from Moon Pies.
GRITS (Aug 24 - Sep 23)
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with
a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, though, so maybe you should think about
joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon
or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that
serves you well.
BOILED PEANUTS (Sep 24 - Oct 23)
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know
you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too
salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much
softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to
because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure
that people will always pull over and stop for you.
BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22)
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You,
as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at
home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too,
shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.
ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21)
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A
good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You
are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not
concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your
interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but
Possum is another, somewhat kinky, mating possibility.