Generic Movie Disaster Script
(The movie opens in a suburban home, where, the heroine is having breakfast with her adorable son.)
HEROINE: Well, it's a peaceful day! No sign of any disasters!
SON: Mom, do you have a husband or romance interest?
HEROINE: No, Bobby, although I am a top scientist and very attractive.
(The phone rings.)
HEROINE: Uh-oh! I hope that's not a worker from the lab, calling to tell me about an impending disaster!
LAB WORKER: Trish, a disaster is impending!
HEROINE: I'll be right there! (To her son:) Bobby, you stay here and be vulnerable.
SON: Mom, will the disaster end up striking this exact house and placing me in grave danger?
HEROINE : Of course!
(We see an exterior shot of the White House. Inside, the president, looking grim, is holding an emergency Cabinet meeting.)
PRESIDENT: Haven't I seen that exterior shot before?
VICE PRESIDENT: It's the same one they use in the Tom Clancy movies.
PRESIDENT: OK, somebody set up the plot.
SCIENCE ADVISER: Mr. President, unless something is done, a disaster is going to strike in 90 minutes, sending miniature cars flying in all directions.
PRESIDENT: Ninety minutes! Why so long?
SCIENCE ADVISER: We need to build up the suspense.
GENERAL: Sir, we must launch a nuclear strike against Houston!
PRESIDENT: Why?
GENERAL: I hate Houston.
PRESIDENT (To the hero): Jake, you're incredibly good-looking. I want you to take your minority sidekick and get over to the laboratory immediately and develop a romance interest with the heroine.
HERO: I'll do what I can, sir.
(The next scene is in the laboratory. The hero and heroine are staring intently at a computer screen.)
HEROINE: . . . and so by using the mouse pointer, you can drag the three of clubs over onto the four of diamonds.
(A lab worker rushes up.)
LAB WORKER: Trish, the pantograph is giving us a vector plasma reading in the cosine range!
HERO: What does that mean?
HEROINE: Nothing. It's movie science gibberish. But it's time for the disaster! And my son is home alone!
(The scene shifts to the heroine's neighbourhood. People are screaming; miniature cars are flying everywhere.)
HEROINE: This is terrible! Thousands of people are being killed!
HERO: It's OK! They're extras!
SON: Help! Help!
HEROINE: My God! It's Billy!
SON: No, it's Bobby!
HEROINE: Oh, right.
HERO: I'll save him!
HEROINE: Watch out for the special effects!
(The hero, dodging miniature flying cars, saves the son.)
HEROINE: Now we can be a family unit!
SON: With Val Kilmer? I thought the hero was going to be Tom Cruise.
HERO: He wasn't available.
(The final scene takes place back to the White House, where everybody is relieved.)
PRESIDENT : Whew! Although we lost 124 million people, all the main characters survived except the minority sidekick!
(The Cabinet applauds.)
GENERAL: So now can we attack Houston?
PRESIDENT: OK by me.
(THE END)