Rules for Dogs Who have a Yard to Protect
NEWSPAPERS
If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.
VISITORS
Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.
BARKING
Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark ...
LICKING
Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
HOLES
Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll hink it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
DOORS
The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.
THE ART OF SNIFFING
Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
DINING ETIQUETTE
Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.
HOUSEBREAKING
Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
GOING FOR WALKS
Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your human, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
COUCHES
It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
PLAYING
If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.
CHASING CATS
When chasing cats, make sure you never --- quite --- catch them. It spoils all the fun.
CHEWING
Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe.