Rules for Dining Out
  1. If you're traveling, never ever eat in any place called "Mom's" -- well, unless the only other places in town to dine are named "Eats" and "Dirty Harry's".
  2. If you've entered a restaurant in the "Little Italy" section of the town, and you've noticed all the waiters are wearing shoulder hostlers, you'd better just leave.
  3. If you're waiting in line to be seated at a nice restaurant, you can always figure a wait of two hours or a twenty -- whichever comes first.
  4. If you're given a choice of tables by the maitre d'hotel, my suggestion is that you always request one near a waiter.
  5. If you notice that the tablecloth and the napkins are made of a better material than any suit you own, you'd better hope your credit card is not maxed-out.
  6. If you're in a fancy restaurant & you find you cannot pronounce some dish on the menu, chances are you probably can't afford it either.
  7. If you've been served bread & rolls while awaiting your meal, and you find the place is using a cheap substitute for margarine, you'd probably better just leave.
  8. If you notice a bottle of Maalox along with a variety of other antacids among the condiments on the table, you'd probably better not order anything spicy.