Famous Quips
  1. Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window! --Steve Bluestone
  2. Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? --George Carlin
  3. You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is. --Ellen DeGeneris
  4. I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. --Rita Rudner
  5. I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. --Sue Kolinsky
  6. I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. --Carol Leifer
  7. The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. --Jackie Gleason
  8. I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" --Jay Leno
  9. I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..." --Mike Binder
  10. Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. --Stephen Leacock
  11. The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. --Roger Simon
  12. You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough. --Pearl Williams
  13. I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. --Dave Edison
  14. If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. --George Gobel
  15. Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. --Billiam Coronel