Holiday Fruitcake Recipe
  1. Go to the crafts store.
  2. Purchase one or more bags of dried fruit, some plaster of paris, brown paint and a disposable cake pan.
  3. Return home.
  4. Unwrap the dried fruit, carefully folding the wrapper inside-out and placing it at the bottom of your trash can. Better yet, send it through your personal paper shredder and use it for insulation in the attic.
  5. Mix the plaster of paris with water and pour into the disposable cake pan. Place dried fruit on top, gently pushing in so it looks "baked" in the "batter." Let dry.
  6. Take your "fruitcake" out of the disposable cake pan.
  7. Cover the top, bottom and sides with brown paint, avoiding the fruit.
  8. Wrap your "fruitcake" in festive, colored saran wrap and finish with a bow. I like using red wrap because it gives a warm glow to the "fruitcake."
  9. Give your "fruitcake" to someone you want to impress. When they lift it, they'll say, "Wow! You must have made a really rich fruitcake!" Don't forget to smile and say, "Oh, its Paris-style fruitcake."
  10. Don't worry about someone trying to eat your fruitcake. Nobody actually eats fruitcake ... that's just a rumor. Just so you know, the dried fruit won't go "bad" because it has the same preservatives as Twinkies, which have a shelf-life of about 237 years.