"True" Lawyer Story
Judge Jerry Buchmeyer of the United States District Court for the Northern
District of Texas has a monthly article in the Texas Bar Journal. He prints reader
submissions of humorous exchanges between lawyers and witness taken from
deposition and trial transcripts.
Attorney: So, doctor, you determined that a gunshot wound was the cause of death
of the patient?
Doctor: That's correct.
Attorney: Did you examine the patient when he came to the emergency room?
Doctor: No, I performed the autopsy.
Attorney: Okay, were you aware of his vital signs while he was at the hospital?
Doctor: Yes, he came in to the emergency room in shock and died in the emergency
room a short time after arriving.
Attorney: Did you pronounce him dead at that time?
Doctor: No, I am the pathologist who performed the autopsy. I was not involved with
the patient initially.
Attorney: Well, are you even sure, then, that he died in the emergency room?
Doctor: That is what the records indicate.
Attorney: But if you weren't there, how could you have pronounced him dead, having
not seen or physically examined the patient at that time?
Doctor: The autopsy showed massive hemorrhage into the chest, and that was the
cause of death.
Attorney: I understand that, but you were not actually present to examine the patient
and pronounce him dead, isn't that right?
Doctor: No, sir, I did not see the patient or actually pronounce him dead, but I did
perform an autopsy and right now his brain is in jar over at the county morgue. As for
the rest of the patient, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere.