An Open Letter To My Dog

Dear Elmo,

I know you can't read, but I'm hoping someday someone can sit down with you and read this to you. You have brought so much love and happiness to our family. You have been our pet for over a year now, and we don't even regret the day we picked you up at a yard sale. It's not often people get their pets from a yard sale. There were many things that decided we would take you home with us. Most importantly, they were giving you away for free. That always helps...

We decided to keep the name you were named, since you were used to it (even though it's embarrassing for us and you). Things started out well. You sat between my two sons on the two hour drive home, licking their faces constantly. The people that gave you away must have forgotten to inform us you have a weak stomach. We realized this when you puked really good a couple of times in the backseat.

Anyway, you've been a very good dog. Unlike the last dog we had (for two days...) you don't chew on television remote controls (which is a serious offense in this family) and you don't chew the crotch out of the families underwear. Don't get a swelled head though, as you are not perfect.

You see, Elmo, we used to have a backyard. It wasn't perfect, but it did have grass. Thanks to you, it is now a series of cute, very deep holes. You love to dig holes, don't you? I often wonder why you could not be satisfied digging in one spot. I would happily give you a corner of the yard to dig in. You could dig the day away until you're paws were bleeding. If we were planning to have an in ground swimming pool, your digging wouldn't matter at all, but Elmo, we are not getting a pool.

The other thing that bothers me is the walks we have together. I don't like running while I'm walking you. You are always pulling on the leash. Do you not realize if you calmed down a little and walked slower, the leash wouldn't be strangling you to death? You don't look very comfortable with your eyes popped out of their sockets and your tongue dragging on the sidewalk. I also realize that you like to pee on our walks. What irritates the hell out of me is that you have to pee on anything that resembles a pole. Every few feet, you have to stop, sniff around and relieve yourself. Does the urine never stop? I would prefer you let it all out of your system at one pit stop. I would gladly wait there half an hour while you emptied your bladder.

All in all, you've been a fine dog. Hold your head up high. Just do me one favour... The next time my wife and I are alone and I call her over to the couch by saying "Hey baby, why don't you sit over here with me!" could you not jump up on the couch and cozy up to me? Thanks. I'd appreciate it, buddy.