A Collection Of True Newspaper Headlines That Merit A Second Glance
- CRIME: Sheriff Asks For 13.7% Increase (Like, let's triple those muggings Lefty, and Spike, I want to see you double up on those purse-snatchings!)
- Sex Fund Pledged For Sheriff (Now he can take his mind off the increase in crime, eh?)
- Three Ambulances Take Blast Victim To Hospital (Wonder which one carried the vital organs?)
- Wanted: Women To Test New Condom (A unique approach to meeting new women)
- Experts Are Sure The Dow Will Either Rise Or Decline (Well, now I can stop worrying about my investments since the future is so certain....)
- Blow To Head Is Common Cause Of Brain Injury (It took the experts to figure that one out)
- Low Pay Reason For Poverty, Study Says (They needed a study to find THAT out?)
- Circumcisions Cut Back (If you have to cut back, I guess that's as good a place as any to start)
- You Can Still Bury Grandpa Out Back (So we don't have to wait until he's dead?)
- Mortuary Adds Drive-Through (Maybe the mourners will beep their horns loud enough to wake the dead)
- Teacher Dies; Board Accepts His Resignation (That's got to be the toughest way to quit a job that I know of!)
- City Wants Dead To Pay For Cleanup (And we all thought taxes ended with death!)
- US Says Insect Parts, Rat Hair Are OK In Food (Gimme An Order Of Insect Parts, Easy On The Fries.....)
- Ants Take A Long Time To Cook In Microwave (Who thought of this recipe, anyway???)
- Nudist Group Donates Clothing For Victims (Well, they weren't using them anyway)
- Man Shot Twice In Head, Gets Mad! (It's the quiet ones you have to worry about)
- Dog That Bit 2 People Ordered To Leave Town (But did he UNDERSTAND that he had to leave town?)
- Police Recover Stolen Hamster, Arrest 3 (Don't you agree that it's time they brought back the death penalty?)
- Robber's Description: Man, Possibly A Woman, Definitely Ugly (But how do you interview suspects without hurting their feelings?)
- Court Rules That Being A Jerk Is Not A Crime (We can all sleep better at night with THAT knowledge!)
- Thieves Steal Burglar Alarm (In case they wanted to catch themselves in the act?)
- Terrorist Bought Bomb Parts At K Mart (Attention K Mart shoppers, plutonium on aisle 9...)
- No Cause Of Death Determined For Beheading Victim (Maybe stretched vocal chords...?)