12 Days of X-mas Revisited
December 14th
Dearest John:
I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a
partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have
been more surprised.
With dearest love and Affection, Agnes
December 15th
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine,
two turtle doves....I'M just delighted at your very thoughtful
gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes
December 16th
Dear John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't
deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling
but I must insist....you're just too kind.
Love Agnes
December 17th
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really!
They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're
being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
December 18th
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings.
One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on
my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
December 19th
Dear John:
When I opened the door, there were actually six geese a-laying
on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those
geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are
complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!
Cordially, Agnes
December 20th
John:
What's up with you and those fucking birds????
Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of goddam joke is this?
There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop the
racket. I'M a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. ITS NOT
FUNNY.............so stop with those f**king birds.
Sincerely, Agnes
December 21st
OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do
with eight maids a-milking? Its not enough with all those birds
and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own goddam
cows. Just lay off me. SMART ASS.
Ag.
December 22nd
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some sort of sadist? Now there's nine pipers
playing. And Christ - do they play. They never stopped chasing
those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are
upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder
they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a
petition to evict me. You'll get yours.
From Ag
December 23rd
You Rotten Prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those
sluts ladies. They've been balling those nine pipers all night
long. Now those cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My
living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has
subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be
condemned. I'M sticking the police on you.
One who means it, Ag
December 24th
Listen F**khead:
What's with he eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and
aforementioned "ladies"? Some of those broads will
never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have
been committing sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are
dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're
satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister
December 25th (from the law offices Taeker, Spredar, and
Baegar)
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers
fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss
Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All
correspondence should come to our attention. If you should
attempt to real Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the
attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this
letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.