You Might Be A Nurse Midwife If...
  1. If you use more super glue on women's bottoms than your broken china.......you might be a midwife
  2. If you've ever crocheted with an amni hook.......you might be a midwife
  3. If you carry more tanks in you car than a Jacque Cousteau documentary.......you might be a midwife
  4. If you hear "doppler" radar on the Weather Channel and your ears perk up.......you might be a midwife
  5. If you've recommended Castor Oil more times that the local Quick Lube.......you might be a midwife
  6. If your idea of "seeing the head coming" doesn't refer to your beer.......you might be a midwife
  7. If it takes a hour to get dressed to go out yet 45 seconds to get dressed in the middle of the night.......you might be a midwife
  8. If you talk about seeing the "crown" and you weren't at Buckingham Palace.......you might be a midwife
  9. If you've had your picture taken so many times with babies you should be running for office.......you might be a midwife
  10. If there are more ways to reach you than the local fire department.......you might be a midwife
  11. If you can actually name more than three African drum bands.......you might be a midwife
  12. If you know that "post partum" doesn't mean your fence is coming apart.......you might be a midwife
  13. If you've ever been called by a neighbor with a farm animal in labor.......you might be a midwife
  14. If the color of you car is unrecognizable because of all the bumperstickers.......you might be a midwife
  15. If you refuse to sell you junky run down car because you'll lose your bumperstickers.......you might be a midwife
  16. If you think c-section should only be the cheap seats at a ballgame.......you might be a midwife
  17. If you know that a fetoscope does not measure shoe size.......you might be a midwife
  18. If the 36,000 mile/3 year warranty on your brand new car actually means less than one year.......you might be a midwife
  19. If your tires are going bald faster than your husband.......you might be a midwife
  20. If you think the only use for forceps is as salad tongs.......you might be a midwife
  21. If you've made more great catches than Chipper Jones.......you might be a midwife
  22. If you know that a lie is not where your golf ball lands.......you might be a midwife
  23. If you think that a "tail back" is a new kind of birthing position.......you might be a midwife
  24. If you know a cesarean is not a salad.......you might be a midwife
  25. If your idea of a vacation is taking a car ride outside your beeper range........you might be a midwife
  26. If you know that a pinard horn is not a musical instrument.......you might be a midwife
  27. If you think the only way to measure centimeters is by spreading your fingers.......you might be a midwife
  28. If you get more calls from ladies with broken water than the local plumber.......you might be a midwife
  29. If you've ever ran out of gas and used a breast pump and catheter as a siphon.......you might be a midwife
  30. If you've ever used cord clamps as hair curlers........you might be a midwife
  31. If you've ever used a speculum to put on a tight pair of shoes.......you might be a midwife
  32. If you can eat cherry jello while watching a birth film........you might be a midwife
  33. If you talk about yeast infections like they're dairy products........you might be a midwife
  34. If you've ever put on a latex glove to remove the stuffing from a turkey.......you might be a midwife
  35. If you have more hemostats in you glove box than a Grateful Dead fan.......you might be a midwife
  36. If you think Deliverance is a childbirth movie........you might be a midwife
  37. If you refer to your beeper as "my home phone".........you might be a midwife
  38. If you discuss adhesions with your family at the dinner table........you might be a midwife
  39. If you know that perineal support is not a kind of stocking.......you might be a midwife
  40. If you consider a pair of black Birkenstocks "formal wear".......you might be a midwife
  41. If your realize that "breeches" are not a southern man's trousers........you might be a midwife
  42. If you know that ultrasound is not a fancy stereo........you might be a midwife
  43. If you've ever stopped on your way to a birth and someone has looked in your car and asked "Are you
    44. Moving?"........you might be a midwife
  44. If you've ever gotten out of a speeding ticket by actually showing the state trooper a placenta........you might be a midwife
  45. If you thought the movie "Catch-22" was a story about a month in a very busy midwife's life........you might be a midwife
  46. If your idea of a color coordinated birthing outfit is matching the blood stains on your sweat shirt with the blood stains on your sweat pants........you might be a midwife