Top 15 Signs You've Caught the Chicken Flu
  1. Suicidal urge to climb into a hot tub full of boiling teriyaki sauce or a big plastic bag of Shake 'n' Bake.
  2. Suddenly, you're deliriously happy to work for chicken feed.
  3. That annoying rooster on the neighbor's farm now seems, well, kinda sexy.
  4. Receptionist buzzes you with "Five cleaver-wielding Chinese officials to see you, sir."
  5. You find yourself coughing up Lung McNuggets.
  6. Your new marketing plan wasn't the only thing that laid an egg at the staff meeting.
  7. Sudden irrational fear of hot sauce and blue cheese dressing.
  8. Showing your pecker in public no longer results in an embarrassing arrest.
  9. Only medicines that help at all are Kaopecktate and NyQuill.
  10. You lose your job at the drive-thru when you start asking customers, "Would you like some gravel with that?"
  11. You have the strange urge to smother your breasts with spaghetti sauce & parmesan cheese.
  12. You just served your kids regurgitated cornmeal for dinner again.
  13. You feel a darkening in the force, as though a million little chicken souls were suddenly snuffed out.
  14. Mom makes you a nice hot bowl of human soup.
  15. Fever - check; chills - check; uncontrollable urge to defecate on the windshield of your neighbor's Ford Escort - check.