ST;TOS Meet Windows 95
"Sulu, set path to the floppy drive. Scotty, fit the hard
drive with the MicroSoft Windows 95 engine. Chekov, prepare the
install disks, we're about to begin a sequel."
"Captain, Windows 95 doesn't do SQL."
"Right. Then let's see how she performs at task speed.
Scotty?"
"Captain, are you surrrrre you want to rrrreplace the
system? If ye put Windows code into a true 32-bit multitasking
environment, we'll risk a matter-antimatter explosion!"
"Scotty, that's an order."
"Aye Captain, but she's just not ready. She needs a
proper beta shakedown."
"That's what we're doing, Scotty. Chekov, how are those
install disks coming?"
"We're on disk 5, sir."
"Good. Spock?"
"Fascinating, Captain. It appears as if Windows 95 is
scanning our hardware and mutating to adapt."
"Then Spock, can you tell me why it is saying it can't
use the Microsoft sound card, which works fine as configured
under Windows 3.1?"
"Unknown, Captain."
"Will it use a ProAudio Spectrum?"
"Unknown, Captain."
"How about a Sound Blaster?"
"Unknown, Captain."
"What good are you, anyway?"
"Box-office attraction, Captain."
"Bones?"
"I'm a doctor - not a hardware technician."
"Spock, cancel the Microsoft sound card and install the
ProAudio Spectrum. Chekov, finish the software installation.
Sulu, reboot the system when it's ready and prepare to go to task
speed on my signal."
"Aye, aye, Captain."
"Chekov?"
"We've just entered the desktop zone, Captain."
"Captain, she canna take it much more. Another 15 sectors
and the engines'll burn up fer surrrrre."
"Scotty, we haven't even started yet."
"Sorry, Captain, I just haven't had a line in so
long..."
"Sulu, go to task 1. Bring up the README.TXT in the
notepad."
"Aye, Captain."
"Wait a minute. Cancel that order. Plot a shortcut to the
README.TXT in the desktop zone. We'll be navigating back there
frequently."
"Yes, Sir."
"Spock?"
"It seems as if we have a hardware conflict, sir. The
ProAudio Spectrum 16 isn't responding, either in sound or
SCSI."
"Disable the card, Spock."
"I'm sorry, sir. It won't disable the SCSI without
stopping sound card first. And it won't disable the sound card
without disabling the SCSI first."
"Captain, an enemy ship is approaching at 12
o'clock."
"[Looks at watch.] Good, that gives us a little more time
to debug these systems."
"No, sir. The ship is already upon us."
"Uhura?"
"Scanning all frequencies, sir. I'm trying to get an
image, sir, but the system is awfully slow."
"Scotty, what's happening down there?"
"The engine is running smoothly, Captain, but the 16-bit
GDI can only process one console request at a time."
"See what you can do, Scotty. Spock?"
"It appears to be an IBM ship, Captain. Equipped with a
Warp drive."
[Impressive sound of Warp engine coming up to speed. OOhs and
Ahhs as crew gazes in the direction of enemy ship.]
"Put it on visual, Chekov."
"Aye, Captain."
[Louder OOhs and Ahhs.]
"Spock, the enemy ship is approaching fast. We need
audio!"
"I'm sorry, Captain. The registry is not
responding."
"Bones?"
"I'm a doctor, not a beta tester!"
"Quick, Sulu, bring up the README.TXT file."
"Captain - it's gone. Some other task in the system must
have moved or changed it."
"Long-range scan, Chekov."
"I found it, Captain. Wait a minute. This README.TXT file
is for the game Land of Lore, with Patrick Stewart doing the
voice of King Richard."
"Patrick Stewart?"
"You've never heard of Patrick Stewart?"
"No."
"Must be a generation gap."
"Captain, she canna take it much more. Another 15 sectors
and the engines'll burn up fer surrrrre."
"[Sigh.] Maintain power, Mr. Scott. Quick, Sulu, put us
on red alert."
"Captain, I can't figure out how to change the color of
the desktop background!"
"Bones?"
"I'm a doctor, not the FORCE docs!!"
"Never mind. Find the screen saver. Spock, prepare to
fire HP LaserJet."
"Captain, I've chosen the screen saver that says `Chicago
is COOL' but now I'm getting no response at the helm."
[BOOM as the enemy hits ship with photon torpedo, then large
zapping sound, then either the ship moves back and forth, or
people sway left and right, depending on perspective. Sparks fly
from console, fires glare, indicating what would normally be
irreparable damage, yet will be fixed in just minutes.]
"Sulu, take evasive action; otherwise, it's certain
doom!"
"Aye, Aye, Captain. It certainly is Doom and I don't mind
saying I'm getting awfully sick of this demo. Doom is one of the
most stable games on the market and it runs under OS/2 with no
problems whatsoever."
"We've got... to get... to the kernel. Uhura... notify...
the... kernel at Star Fleet."
"Captain, I think either communications are breaking up,
or you're dropping into melodramatic Shakespearean stammer mode
again."
"Spock?"
"Fascinating, Captain. It would seem that the needs of
the few have out-weighed the needs of the many."
"Scotty, get us out of here!"
"Sorry, Captain, the engine is no longer responding!
We'll have to do a hard boot to rrrrecover."
"Bones?"