Another Day at the Office
Hi. My name is Sherman. I work at Macrosoft. I read something
lately that said Macrosoft was "the technological equivalent
of a sweatshop" and it bothered me. I want to set the record
straight so I decided to record what I do on a typical day at
work. I hope this will clear things up. Thank you.
4:33 AM -- I woke up and put my pillow and blanket into the
bottom drawer of my desk. Went down the hall for a double
espresso but some idiot had turned the machine off. Had to settle
for French Roast. Gordon stopped me on the way back to the office
and asked if I would crack his back. He still hasn't gotten used
to the floor.
4:38 AM -- Gordon's back cracked a little too loudly and he
left for the hospital to get checked out. I am back at my desk
checking my mail. Hmmm.... Wow! There's a note here about the
planning meeting for our new product. They've decided to call it
Industry '99 because it will do everything our other suite does
plus put Federal Express, Charles Schwab, and Nabisco out of
business. Kewl, deud!
4:41 AM -- Got another bloody nose. I don't believe that
damned doctor. There is no way caffeine can cause this. Damn! I'm
out of Kleenex. Thank God for that medicine cabinet.
4:43 AM -- Just got back and am ready for work. Boy, they keep
putting new stuff in that medicine cabinet. Vivarin! What will
they think of next. A couple of those and that espresso machine
can kiss my ass.
4:45 AM -- Started coding. These hidden functions are tough. I
don't know how they expect me to stop someone's modem lights from
blinking while we upload their life's history during registration.
Hmmm.... Maybe a BIOS call to the serial driver will do the trick.
5:01 AM -- Time for breakfast. Damned microwave. Even on
defrost it still makes the cream squirt right out of the Twinkies.
Well, at least old Gordon's not here. Yesterday he was so tweaked
out on Jolt he set it on high and the damned things exploded. Boy
was maintenance pissed. Took 'em half an hour to scrape that shit
off the inside of the oven. We will have a meeting on that one I'm
sure....
5:10 AM -- Ah, nothing like a good meal. Burned my tongue
though. Man that hurts. Twinkie guts will do that to ya every
time. Read the company newsletter while I was eating and it
mentioned that the wife changed her mind again on the layout of
the kitchen at Bill's new estate. Damn, at the rate they're going
they'll move in on the same day he throws the switch and sends
the ultimatum to Washington. Oops! Maybe I shouldn't have said
that. That's a top secret project. Oh, well, now you know.
5:16 AM -- Went out to the Web with Exploder 7.0 Beta. Just
installed it yesterday and it ate my hard drive. They aren't sure
if that bug will be fixed. Too close to shipping. The plan is to
blame it on Quicken if anyone calls support. PointCast is really
hosed though and that pisses me off. Can't get my stock quotes.
5:22 AM -- Gordon called. Says they've got him in a back brace.
Promised to say he slipped in the game room while playing
Asteroids so he can get L&I. He sounded a little pissed
though. Better not play basketball with him anytime soon.
5:28 AM -- Damned contractor called in. He says his father
died. Guess I'll be testing today too. Oh well, I'll throw in a
few extra-nasty bugs just for him to choke on next week. Damned
guys are spoiled. They only work 60 hours a week and cry like
babies.
5:37 AM -- Cutting more code. Damned DOA objects. Never do
what you want. Stupid thing just grabbed one of my dirty jpegs
and slammed it into the server in building 36. The bastards don't
even give me delete rights. Damn. Better get over there and
thrash it before the shit hits the fan.
6:13 AM -- Just got back. Shit, that was close. I had to
practically sell my soul to get that picture deleted. Lucky for
me that Bob had to go take a dump. Only problem was he had just
started the backup, so I bumped into the tape to stop it and the
frigging server went down. Oh well, he'll be so busy cleaning
that shit up he won't have time to figure out what happened.
6:22 AM -- Gordon called back. His back is worse than they
thought. He was leaving the hospital and had to go back. He told
them he slipped on some dog poop that was out front and now they're
worried he's going to sue 'em. They're admitting him for
observation.
6:41 AM -- Jerry just got in. Man, he's such a prick. His
"Pammy" just walked him to his desk, as always, and
played tickle the tonsils with him just for my benefit. Damned
contractors and their girlfriends. Think I'll call H.R. and see
if this is sexual harassment.
7:19 AM -- Got another call from Gordon. Apparently he has a
ruptured disc and is going into emergency surgery.
7:32 AM -- Got a note about a special meeting. The loon that
freaked out yesterday screwed up the source code and we're gonna
have to re-do some stuff. Be back later.
9:17 AM -- Boy, what a ball buster. That wacko really trashed
the project. Apparently he checked out nearly all the modules and
massacred half the code. They also mentioned that the backup was
no good because that moron Bob screwed it up this morning. God
smiles on me.
9:49 AM -- Finally got PointCast going and downloaded the news.
There's another article about porno here at Macrosoft. Uh-oh,
better do some clean up work.
10:13 AM -- Finished re-formatting my drive and loading
Netscape since at least it works. Now, I'm waiting for the system
to finish loading. I took my zip drive down to the car and tucked
it away in the trunk.
10:27 AM -- Ah, espresso at last. Just in time. I have a spec
meeting in three minutes.
11:45 AM -- Another meeting from hell. I don't know why they
call them specs. You never actually see them until the project is
done and off to shipping. I'm going to lunch.
12:12 PM -- Got lunch. Boy, this pizza is the best. I don't
know what it is about the cheese though. Looks a little like a
dried booger. They finally got Jolt on tap in the cafeteria.
About damned time.
12:26 PM -- Finished lunch. Went to take a dump but the line
was too long. Ran into Leslie in the hall and she told me I
looked nice. Hmmm... I wonder what she wants. Reminds me. Better
call H.R. about the "lip lizards."
1:03 PM -- Called H.R. and talked to Rebecca. She said I might
have a case for sexual harassment if Pammy-baby was making any
eye contact with me while they were sucking face. I Suppose I
could lie. Bitch wants me anyway; I can tell.
1:41 PM -- Jerry just left, glaring like the prick he is. I
think Rebecca just nabbed his ass. Ha! Bite me, you moron.
1:48 PM -- Jeez, I was getting grumpy. Got a double latte.
That should bring me down a little. Gordon's wife left a message
on my machine saying that he is paralyzed from the neck down.
They think it's permanent. Just hope the bastard can't talk
either. I'm calling my lawyer.
2:16 PM -- Rebecca called back and has her titties in a tizzy.
Seems Jerry the Fairy took Pammy-Eats-My-Hammy down to her office
and mentioned that little incident from last week. I told her it
wasn't even close to a grope, more like a wedgie. Oh, well,
something else for the lawyer.
2:29 PM -- Well gag me with a frigging spatula! Another new
guy. Damned contractors. Make more money than us and have that
innocent look. Bradford, huh. That's your name? Okay, scumbag,
the next virus will be named after you.
2:52 PM -- Whew. Went down to the car and took a shot of
NyQuill. Man, I gotta come down a little. Call the lawyer. Call
the lawyer.
3:20 PM -- Oh shit! Damned lawyer called me! Gordon just
croaked and the cops want to talk to me at five. The freaky
bastard anyway. What the hell did he think I was, a frigging
chiropractor?
3:51 PM -- Damned nose is spewing blood like a fire hydrant.
Be back in a minute.
4:16 PM -- Got the bleeding stopped but Janitorial is livid.
They say the stain won't come out of the carpet but hell, it's
already kind of red.
4:58 PM -- Just got handed a notice to appear before the
harassment board on Monday. That ass Jerry. I'll get him and that
prissy bitch too.
5:22 PM -- Ah, dinner. At least the NyQuill is working a
little. These pizza rolls are the greatest. Gotta get me some
next month when I go to the store.
5:55 PM -- Cops showed up because I forgot to go see them.
Damned Gestapo gave me the third degree. The lawyer was already
here because Jerry filed a lawsuit. Gordon's wife is on her way
over with a gun.
6:29 PM -- Man, what a day. Gordon's wife was caught in the
parking lot but wouldn't leave until she was allowed to bitch me
out. They took me downstairs and I faced her. Then all hell broke
loose when her dog jumped out of their Jeep and attacked my groin.
Bitch must have had him trained by some feminist group. Just
stopped in to get my jacket before they take me over to the
hospital.
8:51 PM -- Back at last. Damned dog did some damage. Five
stitches and some rabies shots. I still don't know what the
penicillin was all about. They didn't even have any real coffee
there. Gotta go get a cup.
9:00 PM -- Cops just phoned. I have to be at the courthouse
tomorrow morning for arraignment. They said I should bring my
attorney. Ha, ha, joke's on them. We'll be there anyway dealing
with Jerry and Pammy.
9:36 PM -- Got the virus finished and zapped it over to that
new asshole's system. Have a nice breakfast, you dillweed.
9:58 PM -- Last code for the day. I finished the new voice
help feature. This is gonna be cool. I fixed one section extra
special. If you play it backwards it says "Pammy fucks the
band". Man, technology is great.
10:25 PM -- Talked to the lawyer. He said I should bring extra
clothes tomorrow.
10:49 PM -- Shit! Circuit breaker in the kitchen went out.
Nothing is working. Damn. There was only one Jolt left. Better
make it last.
11:22 PM -- Couldn't find my porno mags. I think Jerry got
them. God, court is going to be a bitch. Worse than last year.
11:43 PM -- Called mom. She said I didn't get any mail. No
news is good news, I guess. She mentioned that my dog died last
week. Asked if I would be home soon.
12:32 AM -- Well, I think the day is over. I'm going to crash
if I can find a bloodless spot on the floor. Gotta set the
computer to wake me up early. Big day tomorrow. Goodnight.
Any similarities between this and any real company are
intentionally coincidental.