You Know You Work For the Government If...
  1. When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
  2. You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
  3. Your biggest loss from a system crash is you lose your best jokes.
  4. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
  5. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
  6. It no longer amazes you that computer security is more important than having computers.
  7. Your office computer was just upgraded to a 200 MHz Pentium this year.
  8. Computer specialists know less about computers than your teenager.
  9. Lunch is like another scheduled meeting, only shorter.
  10. You and your co-equals always consume the free food left over from VIP meetings.
  11. It's dark when you drive to and from work.
  12. You're forced to park your car a mile from the office because of all the commander's, military, customers, designated contractor, VIP's, employees of the month/quarter/year and visitor, parking spaces by the main entrance.
  13. Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
  14. "One 'Oh, S**t!' wipes out years of 'Atta Boys'" are words to live by.
  15. You see a good looking person and know they are a visitor.
  16. Appearance is more important than substance.
  17. Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
  18. There is never enough time to do your job, but always enough time to prepare a briefing on it.
  19. Art involves a white board and dry markers.
  20. The suspense you were just assigned was late when you received it and you are required to justify why.
  21. Management thinks a business trip with uncompensated mandatory weekend travel is a perk.
  22. Although you have a telephone, pager, e-mail, FAX, company distribution, Fed-X, US mail and co-equals sitting right on the other side of the partition...communication is a continuing problem.
  23. You know and everyone that works with you knows your performance is superior, but "satisfactory" is the highest level on the documented performance rating.
  24. You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"
  25. Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
  26. When workers screw up they are transferred to another office to be someone else's problem; when management screws up they are promoted.
  27. Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your spare time," "when you're freed up" and "I have an opportunity for you."
  28. Training is something spoken about but never seen.
  29. Vacation is something you roll over to next year.
  30. No travel money to do the mission, but always enough money for another useless conference.
  31. Change is the norm.
  32. Organizational direction changes every 2 or 3 years.
  33. The worst possible reputation comes from being the initiator of a complaint.
  34. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
  35. You can name more Government employees that used to work with you than the ones you work directly with in your current position.