Important Memo
To: All staff, Los Alamos National Laboratory
From: Bill Richardson, Secretary of Energy
Dear staff members:
Due to an unfortunate overreaction by the Republican Congress to our minor
difficulties in the security area, we're being forced to tighten up just a bit.
Effective Monday:
The brown paper bag in which we store the computer disk drives that contain
the nation's nuclear secrets will no longer be left on the picnic table at the
staff commissary during lunch hour. It will be stored in "the vault." I know this
is an inconvenience to many of you, but it's a sad sign of the times.
The three-letter security code for accessing "the vault" will no longer be
"B-O-B." To confuse would-be spies, that security code willbe reversed. Please
don't tell anybody.
Visiting scientists and graduate students from Libya, North Korea and mainland
China will no longer be allowed to wander the hallways without proper
identification. Beginning Monday, they will be required to wear a stick-on lapel
tag that clearly states, "Hello, My Name Is . . . ."The stickers will be available
at the front desk.
The computer network used for scientific calculations will no longer be hyper
linked via the Internet to such Web sites as www.moammar.com,
www.swedechicks.com, or www.hackers-r-us.com. Links to all Disney sites will
be maintained, however.
Researchers bearing a security clearance of Level 5 and higher will no longer
be permitted to exchange updates on their work by posting advanced-physics
formulas on the men's room walls.
On "Bowling Night," please check your briefcases and laptop computers at the
front counter of the Bowl-a-Drome instead of leaving them in the cloakroom.
Mr. Badonov, the front-counter supervisor, has promised to "keep un eye on
zem" for us.
Staff members will no longer be allowed to take home small amounts of
plutonium, iridium or uranium for use in those "little weekend projects around
the house." That includes you parents who are helping the kids with their
science fair projects.
Thermonuclear devices may no longer be checked out for "recreational use."
We've not yet decided if exceptions will be made for Halloween, the Fourth of
July or New Year's Eve. We'll keep you posted.
Employees may no longer "borrow" the AA batteries from the burglar alarm
system to power their Game Boys and compact-disc players during working
hours.
And, finally, when reporting for work each day, all employees must enter
through the front door. Raoul, the janitor, will no longer admit employees who
tap three times on the side door to avoid clocking in late. I know this crackdown
might seem punitive and oppressive to many of you, but it is our sworn duty to
protect the valuable national secrets that have been entrusted to our care.
Remember: Security isn't a part-time job-it's an imperative, all 37 � hours of the
week!
Sincerely,
Bill